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October 15, 2013

A very personal reflection on seeing Calgary again

It's been a month and two days since we departed for our fantastic trip to Calgary. Both during our fun filled travels and in the ensuing weeks afterward, I've spent a fair bit of time reflecting on some of the more poignant revelations and reminders that our journey helped open my eyes to.

Far more than just a week long venture to Alberta, this trip genuinely changed me in a number of ways - all of which, I strongly believe, are for good. It helped me to better understand the bounds and limits of my health as it currently stands, when I'm active (aka, not bedridden or housebound) for multiple days in a row, for starters. Yet that was just one of many things I felt I came to understand better as our time in the gorgeous city of Calgary progressed.

I'm firm believer in personal change and growth (a point I touched on this post from last July about the wisdom that comes with getting older). Even if you're highly content with yourself and your life as they are right now, objectively, every last one of us can still blossom and expand our perspectives to an even greater degree.

Due most significantly to the fact that I'm chronically ill, a great deal of my life is spent at home. The four walls and roof of my abode are my world for much of (and sometimes all of) any given month, and though I have the invaluable companionship of my beloved husband, two cute pets to snuggle, plenty of books to read, hobbies to pass the time (when I'm feeling well enough to do them), and of course my beloved internet and the universe that it puts at my fingertips, there are certain things that, in many cases at least, can only be gleamed and absorbed to their fullest when out and about in the world.

I was reminded of some of those, and in the process discovered more about myself, while in Calgary. Interestingly, and very profoundly for me, I also discovered that returning to Calgary - a city where I'd spent a couple of years filled with some of the hardest and best, saddest and happiest days of my whole life, when I was in my late teens - helped my soul to feel a sense of resolution that I didn't even fully known it so powerfully needed.

You see, I left Calgary, far less by choice, and much more because of circumstance. I was struck, as if by tumultuous lightning, by the first in a long series of severe chronic illnesses about a month after my eighteenth birthday, at a time when I was living on my own in Calgary and fully supporting myself by working. Dreams of future schooling, employment and life goals ran rampant through my young heart and mind. Though I tried my very hardest to continue to work and support myself after my health quickly crumbled beyond immagination, by the time I was nineteen, doing so any longer had simply become impossible.

I was heartbroken and crestfallen about leaving (to return to my hometown), but tried not to dwell too much on the negatives I was feeling at the time. Instead, almost dutifully, as if the universe was pulling a set of invisible marionette strings, I packed up my teeny tiny basement suite, handed in my notice at work, bid farewell to the few friends I still had left (most having split rather quickly as my health fell apart on me), and with emotion laden tears running down my face, took one last long, painful look at a city I loved with every fiber of my being.

For at least two years afterwards, I woke up nearly every morning, for one brief, solid moment feeling like I was still in Calgary, still on some semblance of the exciting trajectory I'd been plotting for myself as a young adult, after a childhood fraught with a thousand demons and a million nightmares.

Time pushed onward though, my health grew poorer, and though I never felt sorry for myself and the road I was forced to take, I also never stopped thinking about Calgary. Sure, it may have popped into my memory less frequently, the particulars of certain familiar haunts growing dimmer in my mind's eye, and my yearnings for it subsiding to a degree, but always, in the sleepless hours of countless nights, it would have a way of floating to the surface of my thoughts and staying put until the sun rose.

After a while, I realized I wouldn't be living there again anytime soon, and I moved on with my life, calling numerous other spots home.

When we first started discussing taking a road trip this year, a few different destinations topped our list, with Calgary eventually winning out. I didn't steer this choice, at least not consciously, with my memories at the helm, instead I felt it was an ideal destination for both Tony and I, as it was just one province away, could be reached in a few hours of driving, held numerous attractions (and shops!) we'd both enjoy, and would give my husband the chance to see Alberta for the first time.

I wondered in the days leading up to the morning we departed from Penticton, what my initial thoughts and emotions would be when the first view of Calgary's majestic skyline, jutting beautifully out from the golden prairie backdrop would be. When the moment arrived, and the city bathed in amber hued late summer sunshine finally occurred, all I felt was excitement and happiness.


 photo CalgaryskylinephotographedfromtheCalgaryTower_zps2253f8be.jpg

{An iPhone photo I took and Instagrammed of part of the city's wonderful skyline, as seen from the lofty vantage point of the Calgary Tower.}



The memories, the assorted feelings, the lingering, long past sense of what could have been, they were all there, but the girl who had packed them in her suitcase and heart alike a decade ago wasn't. She had moved on in countless ways. Grown up, become infinitely stronger, and created a life, that was, ultimately, perhaps - for all its challenges - far better than the one she could have experienced had she never left.

As we zipped around town, that same radiant sunshine warming our faces and souls alike for a week, I was reminded of, and reconnected with, tons of places I once knew, but instead of feeling purely nostalgic, I was eager to fill them with new, awesome memories, made right here and now, with my darling husband by my side. I had an additional decade of life lesson's under my belt and the knowledge that, at long last, I had returned to make amends with the sense that I had been torn away from a place I loved to no end.

It wasn't until that skyline, then the streets that call it home, filled my line of sight and stood solidly under my feet again that I realized just how much I needed to be there again - nor how incredibly cathartic the experience would be. Both during the days of our trip and in the weeks afterward, I have been happier and more at peace with the world than I can ever remember being as an adult, and that, my dears, trumps anything I could ever bring home in a shopping bag, or even on film, from my travels.

As I look ahead to the future, though certain thoughts and feelings pertaining to Calgary will always be with me, I have the knowledge that I made it back, that I said hello, instead of just a sorrowful goodbye, and that, if fate allows, I'll get to return with open arms and smiling eyes many more times throughout my life. A prospect which brings me an immeasurable amount of happiness.

45 comments:

  1. This is a deeply moving post... and not only that... you are a wise person.... and you ought to write a book.
    Really...!!!

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    1. That is tremendously kind and encouraging of you to say, dear Jannie, thank you very, very much. Though it's not something I'm currently actively working towards, penning a book has always been one of my life goals, so hopefully it will get to come to fruition some day.

      ♥ Jessica

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  2. Living in a self-absorbed picture-perfect world, we rarely dare to share any flaw we might have, fearing it will be misrepresented, misunderstood and laughed at.
    I have wrote this to you once, Jessica, but I sure will write it many times over: YOU INSPIRE people, you inspired me. Your ever-existing joyful nature, your colorful presentation and the smile we keep seeing on all your pictures (taken by dear Tony) all stand like the strongest opposite to your fragile physique.
    This post has, naturally, torn me up - I heard someone calling my name, but took me a while to get my pieces back together and realize where I was.
    As I read on, there it was (there you were) the radiant, flowing writing of a darling Vintage Girl I've grown attached to over the years.
    Gosh..
    (I need a moment)
    Brave. You are the personification of feminine bravery.
    And, there might be an answer: over time I realized that our Vintage-loving "community" is like no other - it's judge-me-not, it's deeply understanding and it's utterly supporting.. kind of like a family.

    Right.. I went way over all boundaries.
    I'll stop here.

    Hugs.
    Marija

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    1. The words "thank you" scarcely seem to begin to express just how much I want to express my gratitude to you, dear Marija, for touching my heart to its core with your profoundly beautiful, encouraging, and uplifting words. You have the soul of a poet and the wisdom of a philosopher, both of which radiate out in this endlessly sweet comment, which I shall, forever and always, remember and be moved in the best kind of way by.

      Truly, thank you.

      ♥ Jessica

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  3. What a beautifully written post Jessica. It gave me a great understanding of how things can be for you. I am so glad that as well as enjoying your visit to Calgary, and making some new memories to cherish, it worked some magic to make peace with the past.

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  4. How wonderful that you were able to return in happier circumstances! It's funny how life sometimes comes full circle like that to help you heal. Thanks for sharing, Jessica!

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  5. In your post there is all your love for Calgary, ( and the sadness to leave it ) . For me this is one of your best posts, because it reveals something of your soul.
    Sometimes life forces us to make difficult choices... but your wonderful smile reveals that you are a positive person! That's one of the reasons why I love your blog...a hug!

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  6. I can't believe you took that photo on your iPhone, it's amazing! Phones have such good cameras these days.
    This was a lovely blog post, thanks so much for sharing :) xxx

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  7. Oh dear, Im not 44 years old=D
    Iam 24, the question for the blogaward was "where would you be in 20 years"
    bad translation, thank you google -.-*

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    1. Hi sweetheart, ahhh, thank you very much for clarifying that. Google translate does its best, but it can get important things wrong sometimes, and this is a perfect example of that. I knew it! You look so much younger than me - if you were 44, I was going to ask you where in Europe the fountain of youth was, because you would have clearly found it! :)

      Big hugs - and many thanks for your email today,
      ♥ Jessica

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    2. hihi, oh yes. The fountain of youth called Google transaltion;-)

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  8. Beautiful post, my friend. It is incredibly moving...I had an ache in my heart and tears in my eyes while I read it. I'm so happy you've found some peace with your past on your trip. It's wonderful. The best souvenir one could ask for. :)

    Lisa.

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  9. Such a gorgeous post. I am so glad you got to go back. And instead of feeling crestfallen and bitter, you felt rejuvenated and made new memories with your hubby. That's fantastic. You are truly an inspiration!

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  10. Oh...I have tears in my eyes reading your post.....Life change all the time ...I wish you all the best Jessica... <3

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    1. Thank you deeply, dear Adalgisa. Life does change and I love that fact. I'm a firm believer in the making the best of whatever life throws your way, looking for silver linings, and trying to see things through a "when one door closes, another one opens" kind of mindset. This trip really helped me close the door on that past chapter of my life and open a new one, in - who would have guessed - the very same city.

      I wish you nothing but the best, too,
      ♥ Jessica

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  11. It is always wonderful to read your personal accounts of dealing with the cards life deals us. Your ability to thrive (and more, your willingness to share) is inspiring. I'm your you get told this often, but my how beautiful you are- inside and out.
    Thank you!
    -L A

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  12. thank you jessica for sharing this with us!
    it is heartwarming to see you "growing" - many people can learn a lot from you!
    big hugs!!

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  13. It's amazing how our lives can change in a moment, and all of our plans instantly are forced to alter. I think all of us have some sort of catalyst moment in our past, and are better off for it. I truly believe it is by the divine providence of God that such things happen, and though we may always wonder what might have been, it is ultimately for the best and we become who we are because of them. What a blessing that you can look at it without regret and with a hope for the future you've been given.

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  14. This is beautiful, and such a great reminder, that sometimes it's good to go back to where we've been, make peace with old places and old dreams, and acknowledge how much we've grown. As the old saying goes, the only constant in life is change. Thank you for being such a great blogger/author, and for sharing your journey with the world. I admire you.

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    1. That truly means a lot to me, Tess, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

      ♥ Jessica

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  15. What a beautiful and thought provoking post. x

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  16. Such a beautiful and heartfelt post dear lady!

    I've gone through quite a few changes and location shifts myself and I can empathise with how these huge life events take a toll on us mentally. I'm still adjusting to where I live now. I am finding it a little isolated, which while nice does it have its downfalls but I'm keeping my head up and seeing where things take me.

    Your line "every last one of us can still blossom and expand our perspectives to an even greater degree." really resonates with me. Thank you.

    xo

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  17. Wow! This is a deep and personal reflection as it really got to touch my heart, dear Jessica, always a great pleasure for me to read your thoughts (you are able to convey them so faithfully through written words) all those feelings between joy and longing to enjoy returning to a place so dear to you ... I have felt all that on my skin as I read this post. You are a great inspiration to me, (you know) and I have taken the liberty of yours linkear a post to my blog. I hope this is okay with you, pardon my boldness, but I really admire you and your courage with life. Kisses.

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    1. You're an awesome, dear Rosy, thank you very much for making me a part of your post - which, to anyone else who is reading this comment, I can't urge you enough to read, it's a stellar piece on the importance of being true to your own sense of style - and for your beautifully touching comment. You are a constant inspiration to, and source of happiness for, me as well, darling friend.

      ♥ Jessica

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  18. What a lovely post and so familiar. I too had the same feelings as you except it was about Germany. I was there with my ex when he was stationed there. I had to return home after a year to look after my mother after she was diagnosed with breast cancer (she's free of it and has been for almost 30 years! Yay!). I longed for the sounds, sites and feelings I had experienced when I lived there. But I too had the chance to return, years later, after my divorce. At first I was nervous about being there, but like you, rather than being met with memories of a former life there, I had new experiences with new people and it did my heart good. I now have an even stronger affection for Germany but it no longer makes me sad.

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    1. Thank you so much for sharing your own personal story about the profound longing you felt in your heart to return to Germany again with me, dear Dorcas. It sounds like our experiences, though some details are different, are share many markedly similar points in common. I'm so happy for you that you've been able to return to your beloved country and to make new, awesome memories there. I've always wanted to visit Germany (I have a lot of Germany ancestry) and will be sure to let you know if I'm ever headed in that direction. It's a long, long way from Calgary, but one never knows where the road of life will lead them.

      Big hugs,
      ♥ Jessica

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  19. I just gasped when I looked at the picture--truly beautiful. Thank you for posting it. Your post was felt in my heart, as probably all readers, you are a gem, I'm so thankful I found you !
    You and your hubby are gifts to each other. Peace be with you both--
    Sierra Sue

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    1. Truly, thank you from the bottom of my heart, dear Sierra Sue.

      May peace and joy be with you as well,
      ♥ Jessica

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  20. I'm so glad you made it back. Thank you for sharing this personal post with us. I must say in recent pictures you've looked absolutely glowing and even more beautiful than usual, you look very happy. xxx

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    1. Thank you so much, sweet Catherine! I love that you sense that in my recent photos, because I really feel like such is the case when I see my reflection or a snap of myself lately, too. There's a renewed sense of vitality and joy in my soul and its seems to be radiating through my eyes and smile. I can't remember the last time that happened - but can tell you, it's been ages since that twinkle was there.

      ♥ Jessica

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  21. Im so glad you got to go back. Your way of dealing with your illness is truly inspiring and your writing in this post is fantastic

    urban hounds

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  22. I love you! I'm glad you found peace and inspiration in retracing old steps. I'm also glad you got to participate in that most old fashioned of vacation pastimes - sending postcards! I greatly enjoyed mine!

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    1. Thank you so much, my dear friend, I love you, too, and am delighted to know that my postcard from Calgary reached you safe and sound. I'll definitely try to send you more when we take future trips.

      Big hugs,
      ♥ Jessica

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  23. I had a feeling this visit would be a watershed for you, because of what you had already written...so glad it was a positive one (and a little relieved, too!). I also find a change of scene brings a new perspective, and I am so glad that, although tiring, your health stood up splendidly for the most part of your trip! I feel proud of your achievement, I know first hand the effort it can take to go the extra mile. May your new happy memories carry you forward!

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    1. That is an excellent word (watershed) to describe the kind of experience that I feel like I had. It was a transformative turning point and so much more than merely a "simple" holiday for me. I suspect that I would have experienced some of the same things no matter where went (so long as the trip was a positive one), but the fact that we went to Calgary is what really made the vital difference. I feel renewed and more at peace with life than I've been in a very long time, and I think that this experience will be a catalyst for further change and growth in my life as I head into my 30s next year.

      Thank you deeply,
      ♥ Jessica

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  24. :) I am so glad you were able to go home once more without any sorrow, as you put it.

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  25. I enjoyed reading your post dear Jessica.
    I love how you have passed the page and replaced a not so good memory with another good one.
    I think that it's important for us to get closure and to accept things, move on and see that even though we are the same person, we do change- easier said than done!

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  26. Oh god, I had to stop halfway through this one and regain my composure. (It didn't work. I still cried.) Marija is totally right - you inspire. You are waaaay up there on the list of women I admire. You are one of the most kind hearted, genuine, strong & positive people... I simply don't know how you do it. But you inspire me to look at things in a more golden light, to continue growing as a person, and to keep pushing towards happiness. (Difficult things for me, for I gravitate towards being fairly cynical & misanthropic - not in a bitchy people hating way, but in an isolationist, internalizing sort of way.) Reading what you have to say, whether it be in regards to your own life, or comments on various blogs, always thaws my heart.

    xo Sara

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    1. My very dear Sara, there are certain blog comments that come your way every now and then and which remain with you for the rest of time, because they touched your soul so deeply. This is undoubtedly one of those for me. It is I who is now fighting off tears as I write this, because I'm moved to my core to know that I've helped inspire your outlook on life. Thank you beyond measure for sharing that with me. I feel extremely honoured know that I've had this kind of impact on you and your life.

      ♥ Jessica

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  27. Jessica, thank you so much for sharing this profoundly moving journey with us. Once again I'm in awe of the way you can weave your words into such a beautiful melody that I can see and feel along with you.
    A trip can be so healing, shaking up our thoughts beliefs and attitudes, leaving us refreshed with a new sense of beginning. I'm so glad you experienced this.

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  28. I'm so glad you got the chance to have a reflective vacation and that you got a resolution that you didn't even know you needed. What a full, challenging, and rather rewarding time away.
    -Jamie
    ChatterBlossom

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  29. Thank you for this post. As I read it, my eyes filled with tears. I'm so happy for you that you were able to return without regret. I understand so very well the frustrations of chronic illness. The loss of friends, and the gain of those you can rely on. Home can be a haven and a prison. It is lovely when I am able to get out and about, but when I am not, I am so grateful to the internet for giving me wonderful and understanding friends like you Jess!
    ~xoxo, CoriLynn

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  30. Wow this post amazes me! I live in Calgary and have nearly all of my life ...but it has never felt like home. I have longed for years to move to BC ( Vancouver Or Victoria likely). even though i still intend to move, reading your posts has helped me see Calgary through new eyes and i thank you for that. ox

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    1. Thank you very much for your beautiful comment. I firmly believe that each of us has a certain place - or places - around the world that touch us substantially more deeply than others. We have been born there, moved there later on, visited, or perhaps just daydreamed about them from afar, but whatever the case maybe, we have these kinds of spots and it's totally okay if Calgary isn't one of yours. I hope dearly that you're able to move to B.C. (it's my favourite province, hands down, but Calgary is my very favourite Canadian city) one day and that it is everything and more that you're envisioned it would be.

      Big hugs,
      ♥ Jessica

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